ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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