So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
