Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
