My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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