I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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