Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
