the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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