Your mouth is God's brothel.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
