so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
