The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
