can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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