MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
