I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
