If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
