I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
