Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
