I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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