You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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