i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
