Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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