Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
