yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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