anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
