He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
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Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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