I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he fucked my hip out of place.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
