I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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