At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
