wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
