So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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