Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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