i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
