Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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