You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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