I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
