Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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