i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She needs sedatives and a leash
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
