the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
