guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
