I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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