Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
