theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Randomize
