I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
