This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
