I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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