I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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