best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
