oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
