Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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