If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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