Will you blow on my dice?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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