apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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