i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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