i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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