mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
