Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
