i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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