1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
