I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
