U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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