New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
