Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
