dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
